the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
