i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
be right there i have to get my cape
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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