bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
