He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
