Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
