Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
