she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
