dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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