The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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