I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
