I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
