Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
