seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
