you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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