I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
