its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
