You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
