wanna go halves on a baby?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
