the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Mom said you looked used
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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