i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
