Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
someone threw a dead crab at me
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
