Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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