..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
