He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
