The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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