I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
