I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
