at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize