there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
