____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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