I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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