My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize