Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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