You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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