I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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