He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
