just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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