he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
