you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
