I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
