I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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