your parents love me but you hate me
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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