I cannot find my penis.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
