He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize