he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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