it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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