i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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