Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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