Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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