a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
