just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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