Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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