Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
