Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
