I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize