Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
