I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
