I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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