If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
