Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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