dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize