I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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